These past few days and weeks I feel as though I should be in a Jacquie Lawson Halloween e-card as the unhappy, restless soul, cavorting around old haunts and still seeking others’ approvals by making them laugh or smile…
It is no small coincidence that one of my tag lines is “…the smiles are free…” as I have so often been told to be grateful; I can still hear my father’s repetitious “good enough” as an admonition that I should be thankful and not ask for anything more. Of course, my mother was in agreement but she, like I, breathed a daily dose of fear; hers normally came from whatever might be outside our front door; my fears equally descended upon me , but could traverse on either side of the glass-paneled entry; some days they continue to do so.
It’s another out of control, merry-go-round demon that I am riding, flying along toward some horrendously HIGH maintenance levels, then feeling the cheap thrill of such soaring taking the saddle from beneath me and leaving me with a plastic mane to hang on to as I sink to ground level without warning – unfortunately, these emotional highs and lows are all MINE. Compounding the circular adventure are the insecurity and comparison default modes which always kick in; I feel inadequate. No second take; I am DEFINITELY not measuring up to my own standards. In this day’s changing, great land of opportunity, my personal demons have raised their ugly heads again. What a surprise…NOT.
Add to this mental mix any associate’s professionalism, business manner, beauty, confidence and poise – all acquired skills and talents – and my personal sense of adequacy is completely turned upside down and on end! I BECOME the ugly duckling, far from my finish line goals, retreating into any safe haven, where ever I may find it… then discover that in my busy-ness, I have shorted myself of my own nesting needs and, thus, what should be physically present is ethereal and outside my reach.
Intellectually, I KNOW that I must daily believe in myself and trust my gut. That my instincts are loud enough to catch my attention and remind me is rather comforting; so I focus on my “good student” persona. I REFUSE to accept that I am so eroded by Depression’s weight that I cannot learn a new skill or pull a trick from my business repertoire. I AM; and CAN BE; and HAVE BEEN: a business woman. I respond accordingly, as the confident- in- her- business- shoes, successful CEO woman. Been there, STILL NEED TO…the first pair of shoes are long gone and were higher heeled; then, I could run with those more educated than I. So if true and proven – I have awards and plaques in my closet – what creature is this? This perennial Doubt that pops itself up and out through my matured swan skin, disbursing my confidence to The Winds?
If I could just harness my sensitivities as my Nazarene minister friend once told me, instead of letting them harness me, especially when my sense of financial security is threatened; all too quickly the occasional “backfires” start in again, and my fearful perceptions and anxieties are heightened.
Must I view my internal upsets on this mirrored page? Apparently I MUST, as it is not the first time that a pen or keyboard has exposed this reflection. I rarely give myself permission to reflect or surround myself with quiet; my parental disciplines don’t allow such frivolity. However, I allow a self-indulgent moment like this one as the inevitable crashes compel me to do so. Again, I hear from childhood: all work and no play… and I realize I have emptied my vessel completely once again, performing the same habitual routine and expecting to emerge differently or (shall I say it?) , even a bit smarter this time around.
Sadly, my dear ones around me only hear an incessant rambling of nervousness that is tedious and boring … if I am bored, just how trying might it be for them? But they are not the first nor, will they be the last , to befriend this tortured soul. I am quiet and remain still enough to KNOW: I am so very blessed! Why, I am EVEN ABLE TO CRY, now. The fork in the road has reopened, so I can take a couple of steps back, then move forward once again on the corrected path.
Meds adjustments and hormones aside, I hope I have not made the friendships any more difficult than they should be. I am trying to balance out my own years of experience and my deep-seated but intense Optimism that springs forth with excitement and a can-do spirit, conquering Doubt and burying him in the dust!
I will never make it on any cheer leading squad, not with my timing! My step and beat are indeed to a different drummer. Instead, God gives me moments wherein I can cry when writing a letter such as this.
At some hour, when it is meant to be, The Winds will return my confidence to me. I shall continually prepare for that familiar moment! By His Design, I will have constructed enough economic security to safely hold warmth upon my shoulders, and I will remind myself I needn’t carry such burdens any longer, and I will let drop the heavy cloak from my cramped hands. ..